KILL ZONE
CORPORATE
CRAP
Synergy. Leverage. Paradigm shifts. The boardroom has a language all its own — and it's all weapons-grade nonsense.
We're executing it, one buzzword at a time.
TODAY'S EXECUTIONS
THE KILL LIST
01
→ What we actually do
A paragraph that takes three months to write, means nothing to employees, and is ignored by customers.
02
→ Things we claim to believe
Posted on the wall. Rarely consulted. Occasionally violated by the person who had them printed.
03
→ Where we hope to be someday
The aspirational cousin of the mission statement. Even vaguer. Even less actionable.
04
→ Let people do their jobs
The favorite word of organizations that don't actually let people do their jobs.
05
→ Motivate
Used in every mission statement written since 1995. Has lost all meaning. Cannot be recovered.
06
→ Our products
What every company calls their products when they can't think of anything specific to say about them.
07
→ Pretty good
A claim made by companies who have never actually compared themselves to the rest of the world.
08
→ Better than some
Similar to world class but with even less evidence required to use it.
09
→ Making money
A mission statement's polite way of admitting the whole point is profit without sounding crass about it.
10
→ Different from before
Used to describe changes that are frequently neither transformative nor particularly different from before.
11
→ We considered several things
Sounds like a spa. Means someone looked at more than one spreadsheet before making a decision.
12
→ We recycle sometimes
A noble concept that has been stretched so thin by corporate usage that it now means almost nothing at all.
THE RANT
MISSION IMPROBABLE
A mission statement is supposed to convey the core purpose of a company — a compass for employees and a signal to the outside world of what you stand for. In theory, it's a powerful thing. In practice, it's often a paragraph of carefully constructed nothing, designed to sound profound while saying absolutely everything and meaning absolutely none of it.
Prepare for a reality check.
"Our mission is to revolutionize the industry through groundbreaking innovation."
"I thought our mission was to fix the coffee machine that's been broken for a month."
The following mission statements are from real, well-known companies. To spare feelings — and lawyers — the companies remain anonymous. I'll note that I actually like many of them and their products. That's what makes this so frustrating. You can make great things and still write absolutely terrible mission statements.
"To spread the power of optimism." Noble. Vague. Could apply to literally any organization on earth, including your dentist.
"Become essential to our customers by providing differentiated products and services to help them achieve their aspirations." You want to help customers achieve their goals. Just say that. Six words. Done.
"Transform the way people work together by helping them collaborate better. Faster. On everything. From anywhere." So you want people to work together... so they can work together better? A masterclass in corporate inception.
"To inspire humanity — both in the air and on the ground." Nothing says humanity like filling an aluminum cylinder with people and hurling it through the air at high speed.
"To empower every person and every organization on the planet to achieve more." Every company in every industry would love this to be true of them. Which means it's true of none of them in particular.
"Everything we do is about you. We strive to keep you at your best, and we remain loyal to you, your tastes and your time. That's what America runs on." It's coffee.
"To inspire and nurture the human spirit — one person, one cup and one neighborhood at a time." Also coffee.
"Our deepest purpose as an organization is helping support the health, well-being, and healing of both people — customers, Team Members, and business organizations in general — and the planet." Both people? Oh, you mean both people AND the planet. That clears it up.
"We save people money so they can live better." Finally. A mission statement that fits on a Post-it and means something. Whoever wrote this deserves a raise.
"To collect, preserve, study, exhibit, and stimulate appreciation for and advance knowledge of works of art that collectively represent the broadest spectrum of human achievement at the highest level of quality, all in the service of the public and in accordance with the highest professional standards." I feel genuinely sorry for any employee who had to memorize this to explain what they do for a living.
"We wish to maintain our hard-earned reputation for bringing added value to the lives of consumers." Hard-earned reputation. So it was bad at some point?
"To create a better everyday life for the many people." The many people. What on earth does that mean?
"Build the best product, cause no unnecessary harm, use business to inspire and implement solutions to the environmental crisis." This one actually says something specific. Points for honesty, even if the bar is "cause no unnecessary harm."
THE VERDICT
Most corporate mission statements are nebulous expressions of intent where ambiguity dances with noble aspiration. They want to spread optimism, empower everyone, inspire humanity, and save the planet — all while selling you coffee, software, or a flight to Cleveland.
The irony is that the companies with the clearest, simplest mission statements tend to be the most focused and the most successful.
Clarity isn't weakness. Vagueness isn't sophistication. It's just vagueness.
Write a mission statement your receptionist can explain to a stranger in one sentence. If they can't, start over.
Part 3 of 3